Thursday, September 5, 2013

Oregon to wear exact same uniforms twice in a row

EUGENE, Ore. -- Nike and the University of Oregon announced today that the Oregon Ducks football team will once again be at the forefront of the college football uniform revolution, this time by "going retro."  In a first for the Ducks this decade, the all-white uniforms used against Nicholls State will return to the field this Saturday when the Ducks take on the University of Virginia in Charlottesville.

"Throwback uniforms are the hottest trend in college football right now," said a Nike spokesman.  "Nike is proud to unveil its latest throwback concept."  Oregon's look will hearken back to one of its most lopsided victories in years, during which its revolutionary offense was on full display.  The groundbreaking concept was made possible by a generous $2,000 donation by Nike founder and Oregon booster Phil Knight, who upgraded the Oregon facilities with the addition of two shiny new washing machines and dryers.  With these new machines, Oregon can now take the throwback concept one step further.  Not only will their design be the same, Oregon's players will now have the chance to actually wear the exact same shirt, pants, and pads that they once did.

Oregon's players were thrilled by the idea.  "Wow," said quarterback Marcus Mariota upon being handed the #8 jersey that he wore in Oregon's historical rout one week ago, "it's like touching a piece of history.  I sort of feel bad for teams that don't get to do this, but it just goes to show how lucky we are at Oregon to always have new ideas.  Mr. Knight has really outdone himself again."  Other players were more pragmatic.  "Every time we go on the field, there's always some new material on the uniform," said running back DeAnthony Thomas.  "That new belt buckle that was an ounce and a half lighter, that really made me feel like I was running on Mars.  And when the new reflective numbers were added, it was like a laser show out there.  That was cool.  But it'll be really nice, just this once, to play in something familiar.  I'll feel a lot more confident out there knowing exactly how the uniform will feel."

Even the locker room attendants are getting in on the fun.  "These kids [Oregon's interns] have never had the chance to use a thing like this before," said equipment manager Ken Farr, referring to the new washing machines.  "Usually it's just grunt work, pulling new uniforms off the truck and stuff, but these machines are amazing - heck, even I get a little mesmerized by the spinning."  Farr went on to add that if the game at Virginia goes well, he could see the team deciding to wear the same uniforms all season.  "In all my years doing this, I can't think of a team that's ever done that," he said.  "I think it'd be neat to see Oregon set yet another new trend in uniform design."


Erik said...

Ha! Quality "Onion Sports"-esque post.

Anonymous said...

What??? Two times in a row??? All white??? I hope they washed them!!!

Anonymous said...

Pretty funny.
Go Ducks!

Anonymous said...

Very good, Brendan! UVA lucky to have your sense of humor in the fold!

You DO KNOW that Oregon never wears the same uniforms twice, right? They literally throw them away and just get new ones.

Go Ducks!

pezhoo said...

This is hilarious. I wish I'd written it!

Anonymous said...

Great article! I love it when I'm reading something like this, thinking "is this sime kind of joke"....yeah ya dumb ass, it is!!!!

You Hoo's are a hoot!

Go Ducks!

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Anonymous said...

I would check your sources before you post something like this, yes they did wear white two games in a row, but the wing colors were different. In the Nicholls State game the wings and numbers were green and in the Virginia game the wings were silver and the numbers were green. So in fact they did not wear the same uniform two games in a row. Go Ducks.